For sale: dead fish

A nice chap gave us this piece of “art” about 14 years ago. As I owned a fish-and-chip shop, I joked that it would be nice to have something like this for the store. Lo and behold, this cadaverous masterpiece arrived upon our doorstep two weeks later:

[photo: bloomberg.com]

So, if you’re in the market for dead animals suspended in formaldehyde that inspire slight nausea in your patrons, this piece is for you. Or, if you want to send someone a not-so-subtle message letting them know you hate them, this would undoubtedly make the perfect gift.

Opening bid: 100,000 pounds ($201,710 for you Yanks), as this is from the same artist responsible for such acclaimed pieces such as Away from the Flock (a dead sheep in a glass tank of formaldehyde), Mother and Child Divided (a cow and a calf sliced in half in a glass tank of formaldehyde), and The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living (a tiger shark in a glass tank of formaldehyde). (Formaldehyde gets quite pricey, you know.)

Starlet foils paparazzi plans

As if having the attention span of a peanut and having to drive three hours in notorious Los Angeles traffic everyday isn’t already enough, I now have to deal with the possibility of being blinded by Lindsay Lohan’s ingenious solution to thwart photo attempts with aluminum foil:

[photo: splashnewsonline.com]

I don’t know whether to track the poor girl down and teach her a thing or two about flashes and sunlight and the lack of need for flashes in sunlight, or to just throw my hands up and get a head start on sending her anonymous blame-mail for the next 25 car pileup.

Drunkards take dolphin joyride

Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Kent, friends Michael Jukes and Daniel Buck decided to get sloshed at their local pub. The two chaps were having such a jolly old time that they kept drinking and drinking until they were too tired to walk home. Luckily, on their way they ran into Dave, the magical dolphin:

[photo: solarnavigator.net]
Dave displayed aggressive dolphin gestures to warn Michael and Daniel off, but they knew that he was just playing hard to get, so they grabbed his dorsal fin and tail and hitched a ride. The police wanted in on the action, so they came out and arrested the men, who were later charged with recklessly disturbing and interfering with an animal. With that, all the dolphins and whales and other dorsal finned-mammals breathed a big sigh of relief, and everyone lived happily ever after.

The End.

Professor aims to cancel out fractions

This is Dennis DeTurck, a mathematics professor at the University of Pennsylvania.

[photo: usatoday.com]
Professor DeTurck is currently trying to push fractions out of their rightful place in math education, citing them as being “as obsolete as Roman numerals are.” Not satisfied in stopping there, he is also taking on long division, the calculation of square roots, and by-hand multiplication of long numbers.

I would like to take this opportunity to officially announce that I will be fighting these propositions with my whole being. If I had to suffer through three make-up math classes and endless amounts of frustrating nights, there is no way that the brats of today are getting off this easy. Professor, BRING IT ON.

Germans offer naked plane ride

German travel agency OssiUrlaub.de is currently taking bookings for a nudist flight planned for July 5. A day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the Baltic Sea resort of Usedom will set you back around $734, and possibly your attachment to possessing eyesight, as judging from this photo:

[photo: trendhunter.com]

Suddenly, that pesky elbow poking you repeatedly as you tried to sleep upright amidst the cloying stench of airline-issued rubber chicken doesn’t seem quite so horrible anymore.

Man gets bit by crocodile, then shot by friend

Dear esteemed Aussie Zac Fitzgerald,

I think it is safe to say that it is a lucky thing for the both of us that we are not friends. Lucky for you, seeing as how you recently shot your friend in the arm while trying to free him from a crocodile bite, leaving him the involuntary performer of a stunt that even the late great Steve Irwin would have been reluctant to tackle. As I am neither in possession of any sort of animal wrangling prowess, nor easily forgiving about being pumped with a couple of bullets (unlike your friend, who is apparently not holding any grudges against you), this might have been detrimental to our friendship.

On the other hand, it is even more fortunate for me that we are not acquaintances. Judging from this photo of you playing airplane with a gigantic beast, it would be assumed that you are the impetus of many a cockamamie scheme.

[photo: telegraph.co.uk]
Being both weak-willed and a great fan of the word “cockamamie”, you can be sure that I would be right behind you as we try to fit ourselves in kangaroo pouches and spoon with koalas. Unfortunately, these activities are not befitting of someone of my ladylike stature, by which I mean, as lazy as I am.

In any case, the next time I pay a visit to ye olde land down under, I would love to have a few bottles (or a case) of Victoria Bitters with you, as long as you promise to not chunder all over me.

Cordially,
Charlie

Horrific disease possibly exists

According to sufferers of Morgellons Syndrome: “Sores erupt on your skin, mysterious threads pop out of them, and you feel like tiny bugs are crawling all over you.” Said bugs are depicted below:

[photo: yahoo.com]

Health-care giant and maker-of-many-a-fuzzy-feeling-inducing-commercials Kaiser Permanente is being funded to find out if the condition is an actual physical disorder or just a form of delusion. All I know is that I am 99.9% sure I have caught it from an ill-advised visit to the Morgellons Research Foundation’s website (when you get there, do not click on IMAGES, and do not call your coworkers over to view them, because they WILL NOT appreciate it). If you need me, I’ll be in the corner clawing out mysterious threads from my arms.