Man gets bit by crocodile, then shot by friend

Dear esteemed Aussie Zac Fitzgerald,

I think it is safe to say that it is a lucky thing for the both of us that we are not friends. Lucky for you, seeing as how you recently shot your friend in the arm while trying to free him from a crocodile bite, leaving him the involuntary performer of a stunt that even the late great Steve Irwin would have been reluctant to tackle. As I am neither in possession of any sort of animal wrangling prowess, nor easily forgiving about being pumped with a couple of bullets (unlike your friend, who is apparently not holding any grudges against you), this might have been detrimental to our friendship.

On the other hand, it is even more fortunate for me that we are not acquaintances. Judging from this photo of you playing airplane with a gigantic beast, it would be assumed that you are the impetus of many a cockamamie scheme.

[photo: telegraph.co.uk]
Being both weak-willed and a great fan of the word “cockamamie”, you can be sure that I would be right behind you as we try to fit ourselves in kangaroo pouches and spoon with koalas. Unfortunately, these activities are not befitting of someone of my ladylike stature, by which I mean, as lazy as I am.

In any case, the next time I pay a visit to ye olde land down under, I would love to have a few bottles (or a case) of Victoria Bitters with you, as long as you promise to not chunder all over me.

Cordially,
Charlie

Lost: dummy cop

I made an admittedly amateur shopping mistake earlier this week: falling in love with an item, and then stupidly deciding to come back later for it. Seeing as how I have impeccable taste, said item was unsurprisingly gone four hours later. (I’m not going to tell you what the item was, as it is much too early in our budding blogger-reader relationship for you to realize that I do not, in fact, have impeccable taste, but instead think that polka dots go great on everything and that armwarmers are an acceptable fashion accessory.) This resulted in a tumultuous three days of unsuccessful-buyer’s-remorse angst and multiple visitations of several branches of the same store. Against all odds, the shopping gods decided to reward my fervent dedication and blind faith, and sent down from the heavens my object of desire, sitting atop the store shelf in all its plaid glory. I’m definitely not implying that the way to get what you want is to be a obsessive materialistic bitch (although it does help); all I’m saying is that stealing from cops is probably not the way to go, even if the coveted possession happens to be a mannequin dressed up in a police uniform.

This is Trevor in happier times.

[photo: foxnews.com]
If found, please return to Lacey police so that he can fulfill his life purpose of sitting quietly in a cop car as he watches motorists pass him by while driving over the speed limit.

Horrific disease possibly exists

According to sufferers of Morgellons Syndrome: “Sores erupt on your skin, mysterious threads pop out of them, and you feel like tiny bugs are crawling all over you.” Said bugs are depicted below:

[photo: yahoo.com]

Health-care giant and maker-of-many-a-fuzzy-feeling-inducing-commercials Kaiser Permanente is being funded to find out if the condition is an actual physical disorder or just a form of delusion. All I know is that I am 99.9% sure I have caught it from an ill-advised visit to the Morgellons Research Foundation’s website (when you get there, do not click on IMAGES, and do not call your coworkers over to view them, because they WILL NOT appreciate it). If you need me, I’ll be in the corner clawing out mysterious threads from my arms.

Children everywhere hate clowns

[photo: yahoo.com]

In an effort to keep up with the sensibilities of the rest of the modern world, Britain funded the University of Sheffield to find out once and for all if children are scared of clowns. In addition to solving a pressing modern mystery, researchers were able to educate young Brits about the difference between the Joker and their Aunt Mildred.

Hello world!

Some news get all the attention. Some news deserve more attention, but get overshadowed by the obnoxious prattling of stupid human tricks and celebrity spawning. Some news don’t even deserve to be invited to the party, but since they came anyway, let’s get a few drinks and mock them behind their backs. Welcome to tickytack.